My pilates instructor, Jessica, told me today that I hold so much tension in my shoulders. She didn’t just say a lot, she said so much. Holding tension in my shoulders is nothing new. Jessica said some of us are taught to hold that tension there as children, as a form of self defense, as a guard. This totally made sense to me when she was saying it, because in that millisecond, I flashed back to 1st grade when I was being constantly made fun of by that ginger kid (I didn’t really know why he was popular at the time, and I still don’t, he’s a ginger) and all of his popular girlfriends for wearing pigtails with tie dyed scrunchies. My classmates didn’t know what was in then, obviously, the gals were all concentrated more on hiking up their plaid jumpers so that they could practice being the sluts that they would inevitably become. That Catholic school girl stereotype exists for a reason.
Anyway, I remembered that my defenses were up, I was always having to be on guard, I thought someone was going to put a worm in my hair, which actually ended up happening…my mom always told me it was because they were jealous of me, but I never believed her. She had a point though, they might have known that they would go way prematurely gray right after they got fat after high school and I would still be tall, slender and blonde. I have absolutely no shame in that, other than the fact that I wish sometimes that I would have stuck around here to see it.
Back to Jessica. She also suggested that I focus on where I should put all of that energy, because up there it is absolutely useless, you know? I’m more conscious of it, that’s for sure. (And let me get something straight, it’s not like I am a troll walking down that street with my shoulders to my ears. Things can be tense without making you look like a troll so relax) Anyway, this energy could go anywhere. She suggested that I try and put it in my core, but I think I think it should go elsewhere, like into my non existent love life.
What Jessica suggested really hit home as I became more conscious of certain tensions during the day. I began to feel when and where my shoulders became tense or shifted ever so slightly upward toward my ears. At one point, when I was quite relaxed, I might add, I received a Facebook notification on my phone. Jolly little me loves getting those notifications, I think it’s fun. That’s all Facebook really should be. Some notifications are completely unnessesary though, like whoever the fucks birthday it is or which one of my bored friends wants to invite me to play some candy or farm game or whatever (Seeing these often reminds me that I am not necessarily better than these friends, maybe just better off, because I realize I have more productive things I could do with my own time–that might be their idea of productivity, who am I to judge?). I shut those off, or so I thought.
I felt the tension in my shoulders begin to harden and rise. My face was still as I read the notification “it is ‘so and so’ birthday today”. “So and so” just happened to be my ex whom, after telling me that he was still in love with me after being apart for 10 years (I know right? First of all, who says that? Second of all, what kind of dummy believes it? Ahem, me.). He then proceeds to have his sister post pictures of him after he leaves the country for school of him and some trollop which she quite awesomely captioned with “I’m the best matchmaker EVER”. Yeah, honey, you sure are. And now your brothers birthday not only makes me want to barf, it makes me feel like someone is drawing my shoulders up to my ears with a needle and thread.
So I guess my tension is related to things that have happened to me in the past. Makes sense. I am totally the only one that can change this.
Time to cut my losses and move on to my next Pilates class…